For me, time passes in two ways each month. The first is the 4th of each month when I think of this being the date I should be celebrating that Sam is another month older. I should be celebrating and documenting the passing of time with a picture but instead on that date, I have empty hands and am someimes marking that passing of time with a trip to the cementary so I can be close to Sam.
The second date is the 17th where it marks how long since I got to hold my adorable Samuel. There is not a day or a minute that goes by that I am not aware that our Super Sam is not here with us but this is a date that marks the time that we have had empty arms. It is a day that hurts each month. I find that I want to hear Sam's name spoken all the time by others but on the 17th, I find that I need to hear his name even more then others.
Even through Sam's life was short at 13 days, he had a life that was filled with love. Even through, I am aware every day that Sam has died, I do have to remember that he lived 13 wonderful days and remember the memories we made in those days. I wanted him to live so much longer but God decided that Sam had 13 days filled with love with his parents, grandparents, aunts and uncle, cousins, family, and friends would be Sam's time on earth. I will never understand why God only choose 13 days. It does not matter if a person just lives during his mom's pregnancy, lives just an hour after delivery, 13 days, 13 months, 13 years, or into adulthood, loved ones will always want more time with the one who died.
Thinking back to 6 months ago today, we were celebrating his 1 week birthday along with his second plane ride. I think Sam will always be ahead by 2 flights compared to his dad! Celebrating his birthday was such a wonderful memory. We made the most of Sam's life. A couple weeks ago, Jeremy and I attended a remembrance service at Children's and were told by two people who helped take care of Sam that they remember the special days and holidays that we celebrated with Sam and how they have not seen people do that before. As Sam's mother, I am glad to think that we provided so many happy memories and that people remember those memories as well.
In reality, we all have the birth date and death date. We have that time in between those dates to have the memories that people will remember. Those are the dates with Sam that were special and filled with so much love. For me, I have a hard time when people only remember Sam as he died. He did but more importantly, he lived. I will forever be changed as I hope everyone who was able to meet Sam or even follow him on this blog will be changed. I had a friend who wrote a note to Sam after he died and talked about the impact that Sam made on her life. What a wonderful thing to be given and it will be something we treasure in years to come!
In reality, I guess I can look that I had more then 13 days. I had many months of him making his presence known during pregnancy. I often even take joy in remembering him move or even my food cravings because that was part of his journey. I can't think of buffalo chicken without thinking Sam. I know he would have loved it!
This month is miscarriage, infant, and child loss awareness month. I can say I know what it is to lose my son at 13 days old but I do not know what it is like to experience a miscarriage. There are some differences but there are some similarities. Losing a child is hard and with it you lose a little bit of yourself and hopes and dreams. It is not a natural experience and I think it is something that people around us often are not sure how to handle.
For me, Sam's physical journey on earth might be over but his impact on my life and others is still very present. His impact will continue with me until the day I join him in heaven as he will always be my baby as long as I live.
I hope even on this blog to continue to make am impact on others. I hope that I can reach out to other moms who are grieving as other mothers of angels have helped me. I also hope that maybe to help others know how to support people who experience the loss of a baby. It is a long, hard journey that require strong support.
We have had many people who supported us in April and since. We are so thankful. I know Jeremy and I talk about how there were so many messages that we never got back to but know we appreciate all those message and continue to appreciate those who let us know that they are thinking go us or praying for us. We also appreciate those that talk to us about Sam or listen to us as we talk about our Super Sam.
